Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex: "To Produce a Lovely Creature" (1971)

Another Ed Wood article with a Dial illustration. I've been informed this cartoonist's name was Jim Dial.

NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex (BearManor Media, 2021).

The article: "To Produce a Lovely Creature." Originally published in Spice 'n' Nice (Pendulum Publishing), vol. 2,, no. 2, August/September 1971. No author credited.

Excerpt: "The topless waitress is solidly instilled in our community, and that is the job which a pretty girl is going to be offered if there is not a spot for her in the show. And this position is not to be looked down upon either. Some of the better topless girls make as much as two and three times that of the girls on stage, what with their salary and tips."

Ed Wood used this as source material.

Reflections: Ed Wood put his own name on some of the articles contained in When the Topic is Sex. Examples include "That's Show Biz" and "Behind the Film Scene." Others are credited to one of his pseudonyms, such as "Ann Gora" or "Dick Trent." Still others, however, have no credited author whatsoever, not even a fake name. Are these stories the "black sheep" of the Wood literary canon, the ones even he was embarrassed to be associated with? I cannot say with any certainty, but it's a theory.

"To Produce a Lovely Creature" is one of Eddie's unsigned articles, though he did include it on his resume. Whether he was proud of it or not, it's definitely a patchwork job. For no real compelling reason, Eddie begins this piece with three extremely dull paragraphs about the state of Florida, copied directly from The New York Times Encyclopedic Almanac 1971. It's the kind of stuff you'd learn in school: population, elevation, length of the coastline, etc. The only justification for this material is that this article originally accompanied a pictorial featuring girls from Miami. (When the Topic is Sex contains no pictures, by the way. Just text. You've heard of people reading Playboy for the articles? Well, you're reading Spice 'n' Nice for the articles.)

This segues into Ed's description of Miami and its nightlife in the swinging 1970s. He talks about how "Miami town" was once a haven for the elderly, but has recently seen an "influx of the younger crowds." These newcomers have brought with them a demand for a different form of entertainment. They find sex shows more entertaining than shuffleboard, Eddie says.

Ultimately, though, "To Produce a Lovely Creature" is not about Miami or even about Florida. No, it's a primer about stripping and what it takes to make it in that very competitive industry. More than anything, it reminded me of Paul Verhoeven's Showgirls (1995), minus that film's soapy plot contrivances and grotesque characters. Strippers aren't nearly as common in the Wood canon as prostitutes, but he does write about them occasionally. The short story "Flowers for Flame LeMarr" (1973) comes to mind, as does the film The Young Marrieds (1972), in which the married protagonist, Ben, becomes obsessed with an exotic dancer to the point that it impacts his marriage.

Eddie wants us to know that only the girls with beautiful faces and bodies really make it as strippers. Those are requirements even in the low-class strip joints. If you're going to work in one of the high-class venues—and this is why I thought of the Verhoeven film—you'd better be skilled as a singer, dancer, or both. "In the more expensive clubs," Wood writes, "it is only the very best who are going to be hired. And she's got to know a hell of a lot more than her left foot from her right foot."

Pretty but can't do anything? Don't despair. You could get a job as a topless waitress or a non-moving "statue" in a stage show. Some women do both of these. Curiously, though, Eddie doesn't have much positive to say about the adult film industry:

There is the nude movie business which hires many of the strip girls and exotic dancers as well as the statues and topless waitresses. But, even though there are many producers in the other cities across the nation, the jobs pay very little and, depending upon them for a living would only see the girl starving from month to month and then giving the whole life up as one big mess and returning home. 

This is in line with what Eddie said in Hollywood Rat Race (1998) and The Sinister Urge (1960), both of which advise young women against moving to Hollywood to pursue a film career. Stay home and strip instead, ladies.

Next: ""Prostitution—A Problem" (1972)