 |
| It looks like these two keep very little hidden. |
NOTE: This article continues my coverage of Ed Wood's When the Topic is Sex (BearManor Media, 2021).
The article: "Those Hidden Happenings." Originally published in Ecstasy (Pendulum Publishing), vol. 4, no. 2, July/August 1972. No author credited.
 |
| An ad for Metrecal. Looks delicious, right? |
Excerpt: "Sex makes the world go around. Sex is the universal language . . . and everybody in the world is interested in what's happening on the sex market. Perhaps some of the larger papers should devote a sealed page to such things. Sealed so the little kiddies won't get their grubby little hands on it .. . until they wash them and grow up . . . someday they will grow up . . . all that would have to be done is reseal the pages and keep them in the safety deposit box for that future date and time."
Reflections: We sometimes get just what we deserve in this life. Yesterday, for instance, I went on and on about how Ed Wood did no research for his article "Sex Oddities and the Law." So what do I get to review today? An article that's almost nothing but research! Yes, "Those Hidden Happenings" consists almost entirely of quotes by other writers that Ed found in various tabloids, newspapers, and magazines. There's practically no original Ed Wood content in this piece whatsoever, apart from the introduction and the conclusion.
So what's the through-line here, the organizing principle of "Those Hidden Happenings"? Eh, there's not much of one. Eddie observes that there sure are a lot of newspapers in the world, which means that there are lots of articles containing lots of words, way too many for anybody to read. So what he's done, as a service to the readers of Ecstasy magazine, is rummage through a bunch of other publications and grab little tidbits of information from them that he will now share in this one convenient article.
At the outset of this article, Ed Wood mentions The Los Angeles Times as an example of a typical modern newspaper with lots of words in it. Maybe that was the one non-porn publication he was still getting in 1972. But, as far as I can tell, none of the articles he actually quotes are from the Times. No, Eddie goes back to those adult-oriented tabloids, particularly The National Informer. From that prestigious journal, Eddie cites an article about the legality of wife beating and another about the continuing popularity of chastity belts.
Ed also tells us that the Informer has an write-in advice column called "Dear Mrs. Adams," which I guess was like their version of "Ann Landers" or "Dear Abby." Ed mentions a letter from one nervous, middle-aged lady named Martha (what a great name for a prude!) who wants to know if it's okay for her and her husband of 25 years to have oral sex. Oh, by the way, Martha's husband is a transvestite. The columnist declares oral sex to be normal and cross-dressing to be weird but harmless if practiced in private.
But Ed Wood does not limit himself to The National Informer. He also delves into an even-sleazier tabloid called The Exploiter. This one has its own write-in column by a man identified as Phillip Pace, Ph.D. In the example quoted by Ed, Phillip tells us that there is no such thing as "breast orgasms" and that a woman who is overly aroused by breast-play might have a "deeper problem" or is simply stuck in an adolescent mindset.
Honestly, I can't tell you which articles Ed got from which sources in "Those Hidden Happenings." When identifying titles, he uses "quotation marks" and italics interchangeably, so it's difficult to know when he's referring to a publication or simply a recurring feature such as a monthly column within a publication. But you don't care about all that, do you? You just want to know what kind of sordid stuff Ed managed to dig up this time. Well, "Those Hidden Happenings," has plenty of it, including some advice for those planning "quickie lunch time affairs." According to a writer named Janet Adams, a young woman planning to have a "nooner" with her lover should drink "a can of Metrecal" before having sex, because she'll be "more energetic" that way.
For younger readers, Metrecal was one of those meal-replacement protein drinks that came in cans. Looking like watered-down Pepto Bismol, it was a predecessor to products like Boost and Ensure, except it was specifically marketed to dieters. Metrecal was introduced by the Mead Johnson company in the early '60s but was pulled from shelves circa 1977 due to health concerns by the Food and Drug Administration. I mainly remember it for being mentioned in "Shticks of One and a Half Dozen of the Other" by Allan Sherman. On that 1963 track, to the melody of "Polly Wolly Doodle," Allan sang, "Fare thee well, Metrecal and the others of that ilk. Let the diet start tomorrow 'cause today I'll drown my sorrow in a double malted milk."
Next: "Japan—Sex and Today" (1972)